My Internet is Broken!

Now most IT people will tell you that phrase, "My Internet is down" bugs them because, well you have your own Internet?



But this one caught me off guard.

Now, to be fair, she was using a VPN and that failed on her, so she was wondering if there was issues in the office. Still, that has got to be the strangest instant message I've ever received.

Ergo, Oriental Trading Company Delanda Est

The Oriental Trading company, one of those places that will sell you 10 gross of plastic whistles for half a cent each has a catalog that came out for Christmas called "A Celebration of Faith."

Here's a sampling.

A whole section dedicated to things that say, what is arguably rather disrespectful things like, well see the beach ball.

Does this strike anyone else as a little odd?

Then how about the slap bracelets, the stress balls, the plates, napkins and banners and dozens of other items all emblazoned "Happy Birthday Jesus".

If that doesn't strike you as strange, how about the "Jesus loves you snow much" football or "Jingle for Jesus" bracelets, complete with jingle bells?

But lest we not feel like turning over the money changer's tables just yet, here's a final cherry:

This comes from the section titled, "All Aboard for Jesus".

Hilarious? yes.

Awful? Oh yeah.

Gas Mask

Just my average Saturday.

But the novelty of wearing a respirator wares off swiftly when you need it to actually breathe.

Good Touch, Bad Touch

I saw this in a public restroom the other day. (and yes, I decided to take a picture with my cell phone.)
Does anyone else think it creepy to have something called "Nice Touch" in a public bathroom?
"Now show me on this doll where the soap dispenser touched you."

Find that smell

Yesterday, a friend of mine asked me to come over to play "Find That Smell;" a game which one shouldn't play without a respirator. Unfortunately, wearing a respirator defeats the purpose of playing name that smell.

The smell first occurred when he steam cleaned the carpets in his room. Apparently, the cleaning process brought out the gremlins of smelly years gone past.

At the start of the game, my olfactory was confused by the pungent aroma of cat-pee-drenched cardboard that wafted liberally about the room.

In the end, the best I could offer was the analysis that his room smelled like wet cardboard . . . no, on second thought, cardboard made wet by urine.

So it is with such places. Hopefully a second, or third good steam cleaning will do the trick.

Work Discussions

I got back to my desk at one point today to find I've been included on an IM between one of our receptionists and one of our techs.

Jeanine says:
ticket # 70290 is close to expiring. Can someone take this call or let me know when they can call back?
Garret says:
Kate Forster (Sandra Bullock) is moving out from her lake house, built all of it with glass. She is a doctor and has just begin to work in a hospital in Chicago, moving to a new flat in the center of the city. Alex Wyler (Keanu Reeves) is the new owner of the lake house, a young architect who's working in the construction of a new complex of houses at the city skirts. Alex and Kate are maintaining a correspondence, talking about the house matters, sending each other letters, which are put in the lake house's letter box. But a strange thing is happening. . . .dun dun dun
Jeanine says:
Garret what are you doing?
Garret says:
sorry
Jeanine says:
Can someone take this ticket?
Garret says:
The lake house
Jeanine says:
just take the ticket!
Garret says:
best story of all time
Jeanine says:
Yes, I recognized the synopsis!
Garret says:
I'm taking 70263

Just so odd . . .

quod me nutrit me destruit

I heard this phrase for the first time today. "quod me nutrit me destruit" It means "That which nourishes me destroys me."

Then I saw the girl who usually shares desk space with me.

Oh Wendy, Quod me nutrit me destruit!

Stoners

I've been trying to get a photo of two guys who've I've nicknamed "The Ferry Stoners."

The come by the office here, walk down into the trees by the river and toke on up.

The amusing part is when they come back. One of them, a very emo, girl-pant wearing nappy hair having, dude loves to dance.

And we love to watch.

When they come, you might find a dozen or two people standing in plate-glass windows watching the Ferry Stoner do his ferry stoner dance.

It took a while before we figured out it was a dude. When I get a picture, I'll be sure to share it.

Graduated Urinal

I just had what I think could be a stellar idea -- a new fad even.

The Graduated Urinal.

You could have little marks that indicate the volume of Urine expelled.

Now girls might think this disgusting, but guys will have to admit, when they watch the urinal fill you can't help but ask yourself, "I drank 32 oz of coke, how much am I now getting rid of?"

DONE!

My time at the Daily Herald is done. Finished. Over. And I'm so excited I can hardly stand it.

So, instead of listing my complaints about our lil' Provo rag, I'll simply say this:

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO. Or, to me more in theme with the way I, and this man would usually say it, Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

You and Me and the Bottle Makes Bleed

So I was at the farewell shin-dig for two betrothed gentlemen, whom we call "the Daves." The Daves are getting married on the same day, both to women named Sara.

I sat there drinking my old timey sarsaparilla, discussing the fact that there were no women of ill repute at such bachelor parties, when I realized that there is no way I could break that bottle over someone's head, ala Jackie Chan movies. (I use Jackie Chan movies because he is on my Carl's Jr. coke.)

When I pointed this out, it was realized that you were more likely to bloody someone's head with the thing long before it broke. And if it did break, it would break at the weakest point, the neck of the bottle where you are holding it.

So there you would stand, bloody handed looking as retarded as you are holding the neck of a busted bottle.

Then I was sad inside, because I knew that I would never get to break a bottle open on the end and threaten a rapscallious bar fighter with it.

Press Pass

I just realized that I have no earthly idea where I left my press pass. That is probably a bad thing because it is kind of important to have at say, press events.

I should look into this.

Darryl Worley

So country star Darryl Worley is playing at the SCERA in a week for Utah's Pioneer Day. Apparently, however, he just posed for playgirl. The following are ledes that I thought might be good for that story.

• People love all out performances at concerts, but Darryl Worley may have given a bit more of himself that Orem residents will be comfortable with.

• In a town where grocery-store magazines are covered up for propriety’s sake, Orem’s SCERA is hosting a playgirl cover model in concert.

• It will take a lot of plastic magazine rack covers to make people forget that the SCERA’s next big act was a big hit on the cover of playgirl.

• All-American country star Darryl Worley is coming to the SCERA next week -- but he’s also come to most every porn shop in the country too.

• Darryl Worley’s a big star, but as they say, some stars are bigger than others.

• If you love Country you may know Darryl Worley, and you may also know he is coming to Orem’s SCERA this Tuesday. If you read playgirl magazine, however, you may know Worley even better yet.

Ethics

I had this conversation today while writing a news story about city council:

Me: Let's go file for city council races
Co-Worker: We can't go file for city council races. That's got to be against the ethics policy I haven't read.
Me: You're probably right. Come to think of it, I haven't read it either.

Gerrymander

Something you may not know: Gerrymaner is supposed to sound like its a large lizard -- because that's what the voting district that was being discussed by the court looked like to them -- a giant lizard.

Now, the very complex idea of districting can be easily understood here:
www.redistrictinggame.com
It's actually really cool found by everyone's good friend Clark Woolstenhulme. And they have a Gerrymander. Raaaaaar!

Pee-er

So this guy was arrested after he, allegedly, beat up his 17 year old girlfriend.

The girls mom called the cops after he started peeing all over the place.

The sheriffs showed up, and there he stood at the doorway naked.
Apparently, he was high on mushrooms, and apparently he had too much coke too.

The Very Definition of Irony

I am doing a story on a new breast cancer treatment. It is supposed to be revolutionary. It takes 5 days instead of 6 weeks. Awesome. The breast cancer surgeon that the PR person wants me to talk to:

Dr. Jen Tittensor, MD.

That's really all that needs be said, isn't it?

Memorial Day

In what could have been mistaken for a satire of a memorial day service, Orem City put on their own tribute to the fallen.
Not a wet eye could be spotted as the Orem High Band, mostly in tune and generally on tempo played the Star Spangled Banner.
Following the anthem, the POW/MIA flag was raised, when a group of armed men, ranging in age from about 12 to about 182 fired a 21 gun salute -- not quite into the crowd, but just slightly over the crowds head.
One old man from the firing squad had difficulty standing, but still he managed to raise his rifle and fire. Meanwhile the young boy to his left squinted in the sun and wheeled his rifle around wildly, firing his weapon in something of a erratic pattern.
A distinct look of “good hell, let those be blanks” was on the face of many.
U.S. Sen Orrin Hatch was on hand to pay his respects at the Orem Cemetery before rushing off to another service at Hill Air Force Base.

Bike to Work Day

Today was bike to work day in Provo.

Seriously? Yup, seriously.

Mayor Lewis Billings came in his shirt and tie, and they did a 3 mile bike ride around the city. County Commissioner Gary Anderson wore a football helmet for reasons passing understanding.

Two girls who worked for the fire department rode a tandem bike . . . in high heels.

Photo By Mario Ruiz

Some headline suggestions that they turned down:
Of Pit Stains and Spokes
Wear Spandex to Work Day
Helmet Head: The New Business Casual Look

This Old Post

I was just looking at my last post and I realized, penis is a Latin word. The plural isn't penises it's penies.

Live and learn, live and learn.

Humorious Protesters

I covered the Dick Cheney protest on campus yesterday. I included some funny stuff in my article that didn't make it into publication, for whatever reason.

So I give it to you here.

Overheard from a guy walking by the protest: "Republicans have a war on terror, Democrats have a war on penises!"

Signs held by protesters

Habeas Schmabeus
That's okay I wasn't using my civil liberties anyway
Dick Cheney: The best reason not to impeach Bush
Prisoner abuse is not a partisan issue (not funny, but well written)
"Go F*** Yourself" - Sound Familiar? (This one is a quote from Cheney. He said it to someone on the floor of the Senate, but I can't remember who he said it to. . . .Oh, and they used the asterisies.)
Prophet but not profit - I can love one but not the other. (Seriously, do they not think these things through before they write them? Could you write something more anti-capitalistic sounding?)

Anyway, I thought they were funny.

Allergies

Allergies suck. But as a devoted shorts and sandal wearer, ergo warm weather lover, what can be done to solve this grave evil of Spring?

Enter: Costco

Generic allergy medication, 300 pills of 24hr, 10 mg loratadine, (Claritin's active ingredient) for 11 bucks.

I'm so grateful for those little white tabs of snot-be-gone.

Cheney

Well, I wrote an article on the VP speaking at BYU and boy oh boy did it get noticed. You see, some people don't care for the VP, and they are threatening not to come to their own graduation if he speaks.

In my article I wrote that it was getting "blue blood boiling". Some people took this to mean that it was angering democrats. Seriously, unless the phrase is juxtaposed with red blood, this doesn't even begin to make sense. It's clearly talking about BYU's colors blue and white.

Also, I took quite a bit of flack for not being fair in my coverage. This, as it would seem, came from the strong supporters of the President and the VP.

Here's the thing: does it really need to be said that if BYU invited him, then there are people at BYU who support it? If the news story is that people are protesting Cheney, should I search out people who not only are silently supporting him? Is it really necessary to say that even though a few people are really upset, not everyone disapproves of the invitation? I just don't see why that needs to be said. It isn't what the story is about.

Let's do a hypothetical:

Lets say I write that a polygamist leader is indicted for statutory rape. (Again, hypothetical.) Would it be unbalanced for me to not put in the article, "the leaders followers still support him"?

I don't think so, because, well, the story isn't about who supports him. The story is about him being indicted. Similarly in the Cheney article, the story isn't about the people who support him, it's about the people who invited him.

Am I therefore unbalanced and biased? Maybe so, but I don't think so.

And let me make this clear: I have no agenda political or otherwise on this matter. I personally, and I stress personal opinion here, think the office of the Vice President deserves respect. I personally think that there are arguments that bear cogency denigrating the VP. I also think there are arguments that are reasonably cogent supporting the man and the administration which he represents.

So what does it boil down to? Just this: he speaks, he doesn't speak, what will be, will be. I, however, only seek to let people know that there is an upset a'brewing; one that may bear fruits, of good or bad, but fruits none the less.


I, as a matter of torpor, perhapses, or as a matter of distance, just don't feel like any one set of arguments is really hitting the mark just yet, at least to satisfy my standards for forming a personal opinion on the matter.

So to all those who wrote in and called me a "low-life liberal" with a "partisan political agenda" here's the tough break: while you have gone ahead and formed your opinion, I, after speaking with dozens of people on the subject, still think that it would require more thought and information to make wise conclusions.

And when I do, perhaps I'll tell you all. Then again, maybe I won't. But I guarantee, it won't be what anyone expects that I'll say.

I'm far to creative for that.

Sky Diving

A selection of SB 179
"14 . provides that no person may make a claim against or recover from a county,
15 municipality, or independent special district for personal injury or property damage
16 resulting from the inherent risks of skydiving."

Now I'm not a lawyer, but last I checked, if you were trying to prove a negligence case, what you would try to show is that the risks were inherent.

Doesn't this bill, in effect, put an admission of negligence into statute?

Casual Wednesday

So I have a new plot.
I want to convince legislators and everyone on the hill that Tomorrow, (well I guess today at this point) the last day of the session, is a dress-up costume day.

I just love the image of Becky Lockhart in a bumble bee suit, complete with antennae, moving to amend. Steve Urquhart would be wearing the guy in the shower costume, and Scott Wyatt would be a hay farmer.

The speaker, Greg Curtis, would, of course, be Wayne Newton, because, he really does look a lot like him.

As for me, I would get one of those big brimmed fedoras with a "press" card stuck in it and a trench coat. That or one of those corner newspaper seller hats from "Newsies".

Forever, aka As Needed

Tomorrow's floor time is scheduled to go from 2 pm 'til "as needed".
What does this mean? It means I'm bringing Arrested Development on DVD to work tomorrow for the inevitable debate over whether a notice should be sent via first class or certified mail. (Note: If you're my boss reading this, that whole arrested development thing is just an expression.)

I Move Previous Question

To move the Previous Question is the greatest motion around. It cuts off debate after a vote. Unless you're the one who wants to talk, it is awesome. It's the, "I get it, I get it, lets move along" motion. Also the, "please, shut up" motion.

Steve Urquhart has been moving previous question a lot lately. Probably trying to get the legislature moving along as the session gets closer to the end. I like to think it is more like a master hitting the shock button on his dog's collar. "Heel," Urquhart yells, "Previous question, get back to your desk."

Harry Potter Holiday

So my cousin wants to declare July 21st a Harry Potter holiday.

There is a petition you can sign at
www.harrypotterholiday.com

Though I'm not a Harry Potter freak like some people, it is still cool. So go sign it.

All Mirth and Girth

And I don't mean mirth in the happy way. I mean in the large pubis mons kind of way. I guess that condition, marked by the "triangle area" encompasing the better part of the body, can be caused by heart problems.

But I do wonder, why is it that those people who suffer from this condition wear their pants so tight up against them. They have this round, smooth buldge (which sometimes serves as a desk or table) -- a budlge so smooth and so outlined by tight pants that I cannot figure out where they could be keeping their genitalia.

Seriously, where'd it go?

I'll make you break the law!

Now, those of you who know me know that I love speeding. A lot. Further, people riding in the left hand lane who don't let me pass are so increadibly frustraitng. I was, therefore, excited to see this provision in a house bill:

"an operator of a vehicle traveling in the left lane may not impede the
free flow of traffic and shall, upon being overtaken by a vehicle in the same lane,
yield to the vehicle;"

About time.

I was thinking, man, this is really good, but no one is going to know about this. How can people hear about it?

Oh, yeah, I work for a newspaper, duh.

Here's something interesting about the law:

"provides that if an operator is being followed by a vehicle in the left lane within a
certain distance, it is prima facie evidence that the operator is impeding the free
flow of traffic"

Doesn't this say that if I tail gate you, then you've violated the law?

I hope so. You need to get to the right, for the love of all that is holy.

One sad note, the provision that would raise Utah's speedlimits by 5 mph was struck from the bill. Very sad indeed.

Swingin' Cash

Steve Urquhart, R-St. George, substituted Utah's anti-abortion bill today. But while he stepped back the abortion illegalization measure he also managed to swing an extra 1.3 million for some of his favorite projects.

Early Childhood intervention was, according to Rep. Paul Ray, R-Clearfiled, funded in his committee nearly to the full amount requested. Urquhart, however, seems to have wanted a bit more for the program.

Urquhart never the less managed to move the bill from an inevitable constitutional challenge to a trigger bill (waiting on Roe v. Wade's overturn) and then re-direct the money for the defense of the law to early childhood and childhood deformation programs.

I don't judge the man for the move one way or another. I was nevertheless impressed how he managed to use the substitution one of the most controversial bills that legislators will look at this year to swing some cash the way of a cause he believed in.

And I thought that pork only came in the form of amendments and burritos from Cafe Rio. (I suppose the Cafe Rio thing is an irony in and of itself as imigrants work there but don't get tons of pork - unless the owner gives them some after close.)

Bluetooth Earpieces

I'm in the middle of writing 3 stories, so I've got to make this quick.

What inspires people to wear the hands free bluetooth earpieces when
a) They're insde
b) They're not talking to anyone
c) They've got nothing in their hands
d) They're just wandering the halls

I stronlgy doubt that anyone who looks as goofy as these people do gets nearly enough phone calls to warrent owning one of these devices, let alone wearing them.

Comfortable Bishop

Rob Bishop, US congressman from Utah addressed the state leg today.

He is my kind of guy, for one reason in particular.

He wore this to the floor of the House.

When the speaker teased him about it, Bishop says, "I'm wearing socks. This is formal."

Awesome.


Monday, I'm wearing this shirt I found online to the Capitol.

That is if someone wants to buy it for me.

(The joke is all in the arms. . . not the arms of the guy wearing the shirt, but the arms of the guy on the t-shirt)

Medical Malpractice

Today was the emergency room tort reform bill in HHS ; HB 338.

There are two sides to this, one is very tragic, and one is very pragmatic.

The examples given of malpractice during today's hearing were, well, viceral. "Good hell, how does that happen?" went through my mind once or twice when I heard some of the discriptions of what doctors did by accident.

But I noticed that all there were no Malpractice defense lawyers at the hearing; just the litigators for victims of malpractice. There were also doctors there who think that being sued constantly results in no doctors wanting to work in the ER. They said that it certainly kept specialists who, apparently, are realy important to have on hand out of the ER.

So let's say we table the bill's opponent argument that 338 is "defacto immunity" for ER workers. And let's look at the noticed parts of the issue.

I don't believe that these doctors intentionally screwing people up.

And, frankly, at a standard rate of 33% of damages, I think that the motives of litigators who oppose this bill are not exactly altruistic.

I guess I don't know the answer to how malpractice torts can be reformed. Probably because I'm not a lawyer, a doctor, or a tort-reformer. (Although I have considered being an Indian chief.) Doctors do need accountability, and our juris system needs someone to blame so damages can be awarded.

All I'm saying is something strange is afoot at the Circle-K.

Work

How is it that there can be so much going on at the legislature, yet I feel that there is so little to report on. So go ahead, post your favorite House Bill comming up that you want me to write on. Maybe I'll do it. You know you want to.

Bariatric Surgery

I'm listening to testimony about covering bariatric surgery for obesity under insurance.

I've never felt more inspired to go to the gym.

The Earth's Axis

The Earth's axis, once on my shiz list, is slowly moving back into my good graces. As the Sun pushes back North where it belongs, I noticed that we are expecting 56 degrees today. Praise be, the winter is dying.

Though I still am concerned over this winter thing. I compiled some weather stats for Provo over the past few years, and there is typically a warming follwed by a sudden cold blast. Will it occur? Probably. Will I be releasing CFC's to help warm me back up when it happens? Almsot certianly.

Beyonce

So Beyonce may have to be punished, and not just becuase her new album, B'Day has an unfortunatnly similar name to french hygene equipment. Instead my rage stems from waking up today, turning on the TV and forever hearing, "to the left, to the left" in my head all day long.

Additionally, she rhymes "minute" with "minute".

But on the up side, it is a catchy lil' album.

HPV, WTF?

Tell me, my friends, if a bill that proposes to let the under insured get access to a vaccine that PREVENTS CANCER comes before you, (HB 358, heard in HHS standing committee today) would you amend the bill to only educate those people about the vaccine, but not give those who can't afford it the vaccine?

Good job, Rep. Ray. Way to provide for the very poor and the rich, and nail the middle class kids to a tree.

Can someone really think that even kids who are raised in a strong LDS home don't have a chance of making a mistake and, at some time, getting it on, ergo risking catching HPV, the virus that leads to cervical cancer?

Why would you want to restrict access to this vaccine? I ask because that is the affect of The HHS standing committee’s recommendation today.

How arrogant can of a human being would one have to be to suggest that providing a vaccine could condone an action (I’m looking at you Eagle Forum; shame on you for this one), ergo it is better that they be placed at in increased risk of death?

Would you really rather see children suffer for their mistakes than risk yourself being held responsible for condoning those mistakes? Selfish, unwise, and un-Christ-like.

Acknowledging that even good kids make mistakes isn't promoting teen sex. Geez, protect your kids.

And I'd like to add a personal perspective. Having been in many-a bishopric meeting, I can say people make mistakes. This is the point of the LDS church: to help them, to keep them, to watch over them, to care for them, as the Master would. Never are we to take away the chance for redemption because you were to afraid that by telling them that they could repent of a sin that you were encouraging them to sin in the first place.

Utah Eagle Forum, et. al., I fear that you have overstepped your bounds egregiously.

Sleep

Sleep is an amazing thing; however, it is something that does not come easily. I think I'd like to sleep now. Problem is, that if I sleep now, I'll want to sleep for the better part of tomorrow.

Shore, Dvorak is good . . .

Am I the only one who thinks that Howard Shore's score for the Lord of the Rings has a great deal of similarity to Dvorak's New World Symphony?

Maybe that has something to do with why I love both pieces so much.

A Grab-Bag of Crazy

So I took a job with a newspaper doing legislative reporting. Utah seems to have what can only be described as a grab bag full of crazy.

Well, perhaps it can be described other ways.

The Utah Legislature:

The Nexus of Nuts
The Cross Roads of Inanity
Logic Interupted
Reason Referendum
Normality Disaffected
Libertarian Fascists (note juxtaposition, if you please)

The point is, that there seems to be a durth of measurment in some legislative approaches. I'll cite Rep. Scott Wyatt as one who must have gotten a yard stick of prudence for Christmas.

Wyatt actually took a bill that sought to ban gay clubs in schools, which was way over kill in it's approach, and stepped it back to let parents deal with their own children.

Bravo Scott. It is prudent that simple clubs not be burdened by 16 pages of regulations, including requisite approval of all guests (e.g. a chess master to a chess club or an Armenian professor to a foreign language club) and approval of all handouts by school administrators.

I promise that this is, perhaps, one of the lest egregious examples of crazy.

Violent Video Game Crazy, and the Man Who Almost Sounded Believeable
or
How to Get Your Ass Sued for Liable*

I prefer the day anti-violent-video game activist Jack Thompson called and basically said that Utah's AG called in a drunken sounding rage because, in effect, Utah legislators believed an argument that Thompson's made. Thompson said that Shurtleff sounded drunk, like he was having a nervous break down.

This over an argument was that a bill up for a vote was constitutional; a bill which mirrors ones that have been declared unconstitutional something like 16 times in 8 states.

Thompson calls up and declares the Utah AG "a jackass" and further called for the impeachemnt of the Utah AG because he told legislators that similar bills have been found unconstitutional in other states. And it came with a news release.

So I call the Utah AG and ask him about it. I get something along the lines of "no I didn't call him. . . but I'd sure like to chat with him. Do you have his phone number?"

Oh, Jack, if your going to say that someone called up sounding drunk and send out a news release, maybe you should know that 1) Mark Shurtleff doesn't drink and 2) get a phone record to make it sound a little less like you're making it up - they're easy to get. Call up AT&T and say, "hey, can I have a copy of my bill?"

Why, oh why must these things be?

In short, Please, Please, let's measure our attempts to push through our personal beliefs against the possibility that we might not know and understand all that goes on around us.

Dare I say, only God himself is qualified to speak in absolutes. And I am too, but only in order to say that only God gets to do so. (And I'll reserve the oppertunity to do one more absolute later on.)

A short list of my favorite "crazy" issues.

To be on this list, it should be an issue that is either strange that it exists, odd in how it is being approached, or a fix that is so far from the mark of good judgment that it completely misses the social / governmental / societal problem.

• Video Games
• HPV
• Imigrant In-State Tuition
• Sodomy Repeal: Utah apparently doesn't discriminate on gender - who knew.