Embryo Imbroglio

I found this at the BYU bookstore's discontinued books shelf:


I have a few guesses as to why they are no longer using this as a text book.
Seriously though, The Haunting Fetus? That sounds like a really bad Sam Raimi movie.

The plot: all the babies that were aborted have come back to haunt their mothers and the doctors who preformed abortions.

The Haunting Fetus. Rated R. Now playing at theaters everywhere.

My Internet is Broken!

Now most IT people will tell you that phrase, "My Internet is down" bugs them because, well you have your own Internet?



But this one caught me off guard.

Now, to be fair, she was using a VPN and that failed on her, so she was wondering if there was issues in the office. Still, that has got to be the strangest instant message I've ever received.

Ergo, Oriental Trading Company Delanda Est

The Oriental Trading company, one of those places that will sell you 10 gross of plastic whistles for half a cent each has a catalog that came out for Christmas called "A Celebration of Faith."

Here's a sampling.

A whole section dedicated to things that say, what is arguably rather disrespectful things like, well see the beach ball.

Does this strike anyone else as a little odd?

Then how about the slap bracelets, the stress balls, the plates, napkins and banners and dozens of other items all emblazoned "Happy Birthday Jesus".

If that doesn't strike you as strange, how about the "Jesus loves you snow much" football or "Jingle for Jesus" bracelets, complete with jingle bells?

But lest we not feel like turning over the money changer's tables just yet, here's a final cherry:

This comes from the section titled, "All Aboard for Jesus".

Hilarious? yes.

Awful? Oh yeah.

Gas Mask

Just my average Saturday.

But the novelty of wearing a respirator wares off swiftly when you need it to actually breathe.

Good Touch, Bad Touch

I saw this in a public restroom the other day. (and yes, I decided to take a picture with my cell phone.)
Does anyone else think it creepy to have something called "Nice Touch" in a public bathroom?
"Now show me on this doll where the soap dispenser touched you."

Find that smell

Yesterday, a friend of mine asked me to come over to play "Find That Smell;" a game which one shouldn't play without a respirator. Unfortunately, wearing a respirator defeats the purpose of playing name that smell.

The smell first occurred when he steam cleaned the carpets in his room. Apparently, the cleaning process brought out the gremlins of smelly years gone past.

At the start of the game, my olfactory was confused by the pungent aroma of cat-pee-drenched cardboard that wafted liberally about the room.

In the end, the best I could offer was the analysis that his room smelled like wet cardboard . . . no, on second thought, cardboard made wet by urine.

So it is with such places. Hopefully a second, or third good steam cleaning will do the trick.

Work Discussions

I got back to my desk at one point today to find I've been included on an IM between one of our receptionists and one of our techs.

Jeanine says:
ticket # 70290 is close to expiring. Can someone take this call or let me know when they can call back?
Garret says:
Kate Forster (Sandra Bullock) is moving out from her lake house, built all of it with glass. She is a doctor and has just begin to work in a hospital in Chicago, moving to a new flat in the center of the city. Alex Wyler (Keanu Reeves) is the new owner of the lake house, a young architect who's working in the construction of a new complex of houses at the city skirts. Alex and Kate are maintaining a correspondence, talking about the house matters, sending each other letters, which are put in the lake house's letter box. But a strange thing is happening. . . .dun dun dun
Jeanine says:
Garret what are you doing?
Garret says:
sorry
Jeanine says:
Can someone take this ticket?
Garret says:
The lake house
Jeanine says:
just take the ticket!
Garret says:
best story of all time
Jeanine says:
Yes, I recognized the synopsis!
Garret says:
I'm taking 70263

Just so odd . . .

quod me nutrit me destruit

I heard this phrase for the first time today. "quod me nutrit me destruit" It means "That which nourishes me destroys me."

Then I saw the girl who usually shares desk space with me.

Oh Wendy, Quod me nutrit me destruit!

Stoners

I've been trying to get a photo of two guys who've I've nicknamed "The Ferry Stoners."

The come by the office here, walk down into the trees by the river and toke on up.

The amusing part is when they come back. One of them, a very emo, girl-pant wearing nappy hair having, dude loves to dance.

And we love to watch.

When they come, you might find a dozen or two people standing in plate-glass windows watching the Ferry Stoner do his ferry stoner dance.

It took a while before we figured out it was a dude. When I get a picture, I'll be sure to share it.

Graduated Urinal

I just had what I think could be a stellar idea -- a new fad even.

The Graduated Urinal.

You could have little marks that indicate the volume of Urine expelled.

Now girls might think this disgusting, but guys will have to admit, when they watch the urinal fill you can't help but ask yourself, "I drank 32 oz of coke, how much am I now getting rid of?"

DONE!

My time at the Daily Herald is done. Finished. Over. And I'm so excited I can hardly stand it.

So, instead of listing my complaints about our lil' Provo rag, I'll simply say this:

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO. Or, to me more in theme with the way I, and this man would usually say it, Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

You and Me and the Bottle Makes Bleed

So I was at the farewell shin-dig for two betrothed gentlemen, whom we call "the Daves." The Daves are getting married on the same day, both to women named Sara.

I sat there drinking my old timey sarsaparilla, discussing the fact that there were no women of ill repute at such bachelor parties, when I realized that there is no way I could break that bottle over someone's head, ala Jackie Chan movies. (I use Jackie Chan movies because he is on my Carl's Jr. coke.)

When I pointed this out, it was realized that you were more likely to bloody someone's head with the thing long before it broke. And if it did break, it would break at the weakest point, the neck of the bottle where you are holding it.

So there you would stand, bloody handed looking as retarded as you are holding the neck of a busted bottle.

Then I was sad inside, because I knew that I would never get to break a bottle open on the end and threaten a rapscallious bar fighter with it.

Press Pass

I just realized that I have no earthly idea where I left my press pass. That is probably a bad thing because it is kind of important to have at say, press events.

I should look into this.

Darryl Worley

So country star Darryl Worley is playing at the SCERA in a week for Utah's Pioneer Day. Apparently, however, he just posed for playgirl. The following are ledes that I thought might be good for that story.

• People love all out performances at concerts, but Darryl Worley may have given a bit more of himself that Orem residents will be comfortable with.

• In a town where grocery-store magazines are covered up for propriety’s sake, Orem’s SCERA is hosting a playgirl cover model in concert.

• It will take a lot of plastic magazine rack covers to make people forget that the SCERA’s next big act was a big hit on the cover of playgirl.

• All-American country star Darryl Worley is coming to the SCERA next week -- but he’s also come to most every porn shop in the country too.

• Darryl Worley’s a big star, but as they say, some stars are bigger than others.

• If you love Country you may know Darryl Worley, and you may also know he is coming to Orem’s SCERA this Tuesday. If you read playgirl magazine, however, you may know Worley even better yet.

Ethics

I had this conversation today while writing a news story about city council:

Me: Let's go file for city council races
Co-Worker: We can't go file for city council races. That's got to be against the ethics policy I haven't read.
Me: You're probably right. Come to think of it, I haven't read it either.

Gerrymander

Something you may not know: Gerrymaner is supposed to sound like its a large lizard -- because that's what the voting district that was being discussed by the court looked like to them -- a giant lizard.

Now, the very complex idea of districting can be easily understood here:
www.redistrictinggame.com
It's actually really cool found by everyone's good friend Clark Woolstenhulme. And they have a Gerrymander. Raaaaaar!

Pee-er

So this guy was arrested after he, allegedly, beat up his 17 year old girlfriend.

The girls mom called the cops after he started peeing all over the place.

The sheriffs showed up, and there he stood at the doorway naked.
Apparently, he was high on mushrooms, and apparently he had too much coke too.

The Very Definition of Irony

I am doing a story on a new breast cancer treatment. It is supposed to be revolutionary. It takes 5 days instead of 6 weeks. Awesome. The breast cancer surgeon that the PR person wants me to talk to:

Dr. Jen Tittensor, MD.

That's really all that needs be said, isn't it?

Memorial Day

In what could have been mistaken for a satire of a memorial day service, Orem City put on their own tribute to the fallen.
Not a wet eye could be spotted as the Orem High Band, mostly in tune and generally on tempo played the Star Spangled Banner.
Following the anthem, the POW/MIA flag was raised, when a group of armed men, ranging in age from about 12 to about 182 fired a 21 gun salute -- not quite into the crowd, but just slightly over the crowds head.
One old man from the firing squad had difficulty standing, but still he managed to raise his rifle and fire. Meanwhile the young boy to his left squinted in the sun and wheeled his rifle around wildly, firing his weapon in something of a erratic pattern.
A distinct look of “good hell, let those be blanks” was on the face of many.
U.S. Sen Orrin Hatch was on hand to pay his respects at the Orem Cemetery before rushing off to another service at Hill Air Force Base.

Bike to Work Day

Today was bike to work day in Provo.

Seriously? Yup, seriously.

Mayor Lewis Billings came in his shirt and tie, and they did a 3 mile bike ride around the city. County Commissioner Gary Anderson wore a football helmet for reasons passing understanding.

Two girls who worked for the fire department rode a tandem bike . . . in high heels.

Photo By Mario Ruiz

Some headline suggestions that they turned down:
Of Pit Stains and Spokes
Wear Spandex to Work Day
Helmet Head: The New Business Casual Look